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The Thin Red Line review

September 26, 2006

Piece of shite.

The movie is chocked full of names, and one must wonder their rationale for being involved with the film. The Thin Red Line is a misleading title for this Terrence Malick work. It should be called The Big Brown Turd, cause this is one gigantic piece of hud.

The cast includes: Sean Penn, Adrien Brody, James Caviezel, Ben Chaplin, Nick Nolte, John C. Reilly, John Travolta, John Cusack, Woody Harrelson, George Clooney, Jared Leto, Tim Blake Nelson, Miranda Otto, and Nick Stahl. By my count, there are at least 3 Oscar winners in that group, and several of the rest are at least good actors, if not exceptional. I hope that they signed on to this film BEFORE reading the script, because this movie is the WORST I have ever had the misfortune of seeing. Especially so when given this level of talent.

The cast itself is truly outstanding, but their utilization is lacking to say the least. I don’t blame them, but that highly overrated, douche nozzle Terrence Malick.

Cast = 5


If there was a soundtrack of note in the film, I didn’t hear it over the increasingly vitriolic curses I hurled at the screen. How many excruciatingly pointless flashbacks must we be exposed to Malick? I swear that man has some strange fetish with flashbacks.

Soundtrack = 1

Quote/Catch Phrase

I have no idea, because every hour or so of the movie someone had a pretentious narration. Now, you might not find that too excessive, but I swear to you the movie was over 193 hours long. I have never wanted a movie to end so badly in my life, and if I hear one more moralistic, narrative crusade in a film, I might be compelled to slay the writer in as brutal a fashion as possible. I am so livid right now that I am quite nearly unable to write. Malick is a bastard, and should never make another film.

Quote/Catch Phrase = 0


I am fairly certain this movie had no story. I mean that. Apparently, there was a war that vaguely resembled World War II’s Pacific Theater being fought. There might have been some position ordered taken by a glory-crazed officer. There might have been, but I can’t be sure what with the schizophrenic flashbacks and supposed character development.

I mean, gorammit. I truly want to hurt someone. I want to shove my foot so far up Malick’s haughty ass that it caves in his empty, brain cavity. I’m not usually incited to violence while watching a movie, but this thunder cunt has not only stolen several hours from me, but he has ruined my day. I want to start a riot. I want to raise an army to go to Hollywood, and burn any prints of Malick’s work.

I’m sure Malick is actually a decent fellow. On second thought, no I’m not. I don’t really mean him physical harm, but I do honestly hope he never makes another film. This is the same guy that made that piece of crap, The New World. Why does he insist on using historical settings, and then blatantly disregard any accuracy? Why does Roger Ebert always rave on his films? Maybe it’s because Malick’s cock is lodged so securely in Ebert’s mouth that he is unable to actually watch this nonsense Malick calls film?

Story = 1


Running time is listed at 170 minutes, but I promise you that Malick has somehow broken the laws of time with this film. I felt like I was thrown into the streets of Pamplona, and every bull in Europe ran over me on their way to crap on this film and then ran back over me after they realized the taint from the movie was eating away at the lining of their brains. From now on, I will refer to anything that sucks or is total trash as a “Thin Red Line.” This movie is such a Thin Red Line.

Let’s put it this way, if everyone made movies this bad, then George Lucas would have won an Oscar for best director with Attack of the Clones.

Rewatchability = -673 (one for each hour of torment)

Total Score = – 666


1 Comment To “The Thin Red Line”

#1 Comment By TalkyToaster On September 26, 2006 @ September 26, 2006

666 The Number of the Beast!!!


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