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White Oleander (2002 – PG-13)

March 13, 2009

Originally posted on October 26, 2003


White Oleander is a story about a girl who is thrown into the foster program to fend for herself after her mother is convicted of murdering her loose boyfriend. The plot had great potential, but ugh.

Story = 16


Michelle Pfeiffer, Billy Connolly, Renée Zellweger, Robin Wright Penn, Noah Wyle, Cole Hauser, Patrick Fugit, and Alison Lohman. Golden cast right? Yeah, pretty much. They all did good jobs with their characters.

Cast = 20

(EDIT from 2009: Clearly I was trying to help an otherwise dismal score, and hadn’t yet developed my hatred of Zellweger.)


Eh. Nothing spectaular to be sure.

Soundtrack/Score = 6

Quote/Catch Phrase

I could barely stay awake by the end of this movie let alone find a line satisfying.

Quote/Catch Phrase = 0


A nice, boring chick flic, and I mean boring. At least Maid in Manhattan, and Sweet Home Alabama kept things moving. This film stalled something fierce.

Rewatchability = 4

(EDIT from 2009: Why was this not a zero? If I could have, I should have gone negatives.)

Total Score = 46

Wow, two movies in a row with the same crappy score. Let me just say, that The Princess Diaries is far and away better than this tripe.

(EDIT from 2009 – I couldn’t find an embeddable copy of the trailer, but YouTube again lets the whole movie stay online. Classy. Instead, I opted for this fan edit with music by Fiona Apple. It seems a waste for this crappy film, but it at least makes the video somewhat palatable.)


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